Letter #19

Dear _____,

Depending on where you are in your life, maybe you’ve experienced how hard it is sometimes to try something new, to throw yourself out into the world and stand by whatever choices you end up making. Perhaps you know how hard it is to start something, to try, to keep at it, to stop, to start over, to start again, to try again… whatever it may be, sometimes it’s hard doing any one of those things. I’ve been told it’s both hard but sometimes it’s easy. I suppose it depends on the kind of person you are or what it is you’re committing to. More often than not, starting something new feels harder for me than easier.

I don’t know, starting something new feels hard because it feels scary. Maybe you understand why? It doesn’t matter what it is you’re starting, you’re putting yourself at the mercy of whatever it is, or whoever it is in some cases. You open yourself up to the potential of messing up, of making a mistake – you become vulnerable to any slander that may come, whatever embarrassment or shame just from trying your best. Sometimes that’s enough to keep us inside, hold ourselves to ourselves and nothing else. That potential hurt – it’s scary.

It depends on how we deal with it, I guess. Some of us are petrified by new things, paralyzed into inaction so we don’t begin until we feel safe – if that feeling ever comes. That waiting can either lessen or multiply our fear but whenever we do end up starting, it sometimes comes with the nagging feeling that we’re too late or that we should have started sooner. In other situations, some take that fear of beginning and run forward, constantly scared but willing to see it through… but through what though? Who knows, but they do what they can. Even if that means they don’t know what the end goal is.

I guess I’m writing this to you to tell you I’m scared. I’ve been scared and I am scared of starting new things – projects, hobbies, friendships, I could go on. I’m scared I will never be good enough so I may as well stop trying, save myself the heartbreak and sadness. I’m scared I will pour in all of this effort and care and love and it won’t matter in the end. I’m scared if I don’t try now, then I’ll be starting too late and will have lost out on certain opportunities. I’m scared of sometimes trying too hard to do something right or maybe not trying hard enough. And I’m scared that I’m the kind of person who either says too much or too little, never the right amount. Perhaps you know what I’m talking about… perhaps you’ve been here too.

Despite all that fear, though… I’m still here. And we all are. Even with all the fear and what if’s and constant doubts we may experience. Maybe we keep trying and doing our best because of our belief in what we do, because of our belief in ourselves. That despite the screaming of our nerves, we hold onto what we know within ourselves even when everything seems scary. It may not be much, but it’s enough to keep at it, to begin, to start again, to start now. Because all it takes is a shred of self-confidence and crazed bravery to put one foot forward, each day, despite however hard it may be.

You may think that after writing all of this, I’d be less scared. But to be honest, I’m still terrified. However, I choose to go forward with that fear, to use it to put my best effort out there. Perhaps it’s not as bad as I think it’ll be.

Maybe you’re there with me too. And maybe we can do this together.

Originally written 22-09-2025

Accompanying music: doing my best by Hazlett